I moved to New York because it was the land of opportunity and simply I like living in the city. I have always been fond of trying new things. I left my hometown for the major reason that my family was getting along and they didn’t need me, that is why I felt comfortable leaving.  Though sometimes I wonder about them and how they are doing.  Eventually I thought of coming back but New York has made me a slave to its culture, the thought you can get anything at any time.  I loved and still do love Seattle, it breathes out of every part of me but loneliness grew of not having a husband or the ability to advance my career in the direction I wanted.  After a few years here I am still not where I want to be.  What is to become of me, has already been planned, I just have to find out when it arrives.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Speaking of all the conversations and their end results always the same. For the generally good conversations they are like shows that you want to repeat over again.  Have that conversations soon.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I have been crazy all my life. 

Crazy to think that people think of others just as much as they think of themselves. 

Crazy believing that people like the world we live in and understand we need to protect the environment and there is global warming.

Crazy to say war is bad.

Crazy to have integrity in which that is what is said in front of one person is still followed through even when they are not there.

Crazy to love someone you don’t even know just because they are a living human being.

Crazy to stand up for injustice even in my own family.

Crazy to try to eat more fruits and vegetables in my diet and believing fries do not count as a salad.

Crazy to write when no one cares to read.

Crazy to have hope.

If these things are crazy then, yes I am crazy.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

So many people talking about things, saying this and that but never what they really mean.  Implied, I am supposed to understand implied?  However, I to ask is a no, no basically to the thought that I can’t ever talk about it.  Well you know what when it comes to dispelling rumors, I’ll tell what’s on my mind and what really occurred.  People have hated that about me.  I do try to ease it with some humor but honey I will tell you my side of the story and how I feel.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Yesterday, I went to an art store looking for supplies for writing letters and all that was available in the clearance section were blue, purple and red calligraphy pens.  Now I don’t have much money as you can tell by me doing most of my shopping in the clearance bins but based on what I saw I thought I might be able be able to, obviously I was a little indecisive because of my limited choices but maybe if I had all the right materials.  Turns out to make all the cards I wanted and the pens to write them with it became more than I could afford.  It was like The Gift of the Magi one does not go without the other.  Though after careful thought if I had a few of each, I had a start.  When I got home I thought how does blue, purple, and red go with Christmas? 

Morning came and I opened the Bible, yes I actually read the Bible. 

Now I know I may have lost some readers at this point but you never know the next short paragraph might be interesting give it a read.  

Anyways, I read the Old Testament or as some people who are Jewish refer to it as the Torah and the random page I first turn to is a page talking about temple decoration.  In reading this chapter what colors do they use?  They used blue, purple and scarlet.  Some may find this surprising but to me this occurs a lot. So is it coincidence maybe, but I am not taking my chances I am going to send out at least one Christmas card with blue, purple and scarlet.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Maybe it is not my place to say this  or assume at all that people would like to get to know me.  However,  I know some would like for me to love them, be their best friend, just simply spend time, maybe even join them watching TV. If I could spend time with everyone of you believe me I would find a way.  That all is decided on one thing who really wants me beside them and to the extent of the relationship they want.  It makes no sense if one is trying to put a magnet on glass or plastic, the people have to connect somehow, especially emotionally on the same level and it can’t be manipulated either. We all know what happens when things are made on unstable foundations, it just doesn’t work. That is why the next steps in any relationship must be done together.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Fear is an extremely powerful emotion, it drives us in directions opposite from assumed danger.  I once wrote that I was afraid to be friends because I would only drag them down, an embarrassment.  Afraid of what people would say about me, afraid I would lose relationships because of it.  We know it wouldn’t work, I said.  Failure clings to every part of me even when I am very successful, it turns into failure.  I have never been able to have the good without the bad.  Now things are morphing and my mind says and thinks things of what others would actually say or do than I have really done.  I can’t control the thoughts or even my body like I used to.  Lately, it seems I have more abilities but none at the same time.  It seems I need to filter more and more to make the next enriching decision.  For each decision seems labored as the result of newsreels of social media that run my mind.  Just as when you read you have to retain the main ideas and what pertains to you.  I have to do the same.  Although,  it is a little different I have to be honest, without improper influences.  About a decade ago the intensity of social media sites circle of concentration starting repeating themes and ideas all intended to be helpful.  Though I found out they were traps for those gullible like me.  I have fallen into every single one of them.  Now I can’t decipher or speak my own words it seems.  I am at a loss, I never wanted to feel or have some of the thoughts that have entered my brain. It mingles with fears that then are reinforced by all sorts of things.  I live in a world that has pressured me into unbelievable experiences and believing in things that never happened or will happen.  I live in fear, worry and dread for all possible outcomes.  Some may say why are you so negative?  I know and lived patterns that one good thing follows 20 bad things.  I lost hope when my mind lost it comfort zone of normalcy.  I can no longer relax my thoughts because of the circle of concentration, even when focusing on what good is occurring.  When someone says nonsensical things over and over they stick, unfortunately.  The stigma of knowing what people’s goals have been for years and your own goals of living with family and friends in healthy ways have torn me inside out, cementing me like someone glued a slinky to a table. I get the elation of glorious fulfillment followed by the drag of depression.  I can’t imagine living in either world because they never seem to want the same things, except maybe one to put me in my place, a decision that seems to have lost input from the main person it involves, me. I know I am being selfish sometimes but really enough to seem to have people daily say, “Not for you!” Really it should be my bumper sticker.  Now what to do about these unwanted thoughts that rule my fear.  They are a mess and I need to realize there are some things I shouldn’t be afraid of thinking, saying or doing. 

I am here to say what I actually did and will continue to do. I was teacher, friend, sister and daughter to many people with disabilities and non disabilities. I gave my life to their care and safety.  I treated them with respect and worked hard at never overstepped my boundaries.  I have withered away defending these actions. There were and are times I have been found fumbling and confusing others thoughts to make it implied I did any differently.  In the end, it has always been their rights, safety and respect for their own personal dignity that has motivated me to simply say “No!” to all opposition who would think or even lead me to believe I might have done otherwise.  I continue to accept and practice the moral and ethical standards I have habitualized as common sense otherwise known as the golden rule.  So when a bad thought comes my way, I rather spend the day crying in sadness and depression reminding myself what is appropriate than to act on it.  As stupid and debilitating as it sounds it is much better than the consequences to the alternative. 

I must say this was not intended to tell you how to live your life but to explain how I have been living mine.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

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Even when young I had many nick names, it is easy when you have a very generic name like mine.  How else do you distinguish yourself from others with the same name? I also think because I never fit my name.  Many times you might have found I had a different personality around people or I picked up and matched others personalities.  However lately I have been pretty much the same  with people as they all seem to act the same. Which is weird, maybe my personality has gone listless or maybe it was always that way.  Though that is not how I remember it and maybe some others too?  I had laughing fits and would try and find some way to find situations uplifting. There were times I would just be dancing in the kitchen.  My family would say “oh you are just being silly.” It was something I extremely liked doing and still like doing.  So if you are like me and want to be silly download Bonk! From the Apple Store.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I have been enchanted by the events occurring around me.  Memorizing to say the least.  I never pretend to know what will occur though often I could tell that may not be a good idea, if thinking well.  Inspiring, wisdom philosophical thoughts may come later but for now my friends and readers I am enjoying living, even in the sad times.  Struggles, no. Finding wonders, excellent. That is what makes everything worth it, simple discoveries of comradery.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Years ago it was like I dipped myself in a pool of postive emotions and wanted to spread that to everyone, everywhere and everything.  The first few years I was a teacher I spent time and money to give a little birthday gift to all the teachers and even when they said why? I still gave gifts. I only stopped because I bought a condo and lacked the funds.

One year I wanted to learn how to be a Southern cook so I learned to make gumbo,  I was going to take to my brothers the next day as a birthday gift.  While I was making it my mom called and begged that I would come and sync her iPod for the trip, I left what could have been a ruined gumbo drove almost an hour back and forth to find she had already figured it out.  When I gave the gumbo to my brother the biggest compliment he ever gave me it has a different flavor but I like it.

This is who I am and strive to be someone who looks for ways to see  people are smiling with joy.  That is a goal I renew on my birthday which is today.

-Jennie Nawrocki