Remember those
Who give you inspiration
Who valued relationships
Didn’t ask or demand respect
But received it anyway
Ones who are there for you
Educate without belittling
These are the hero’s
We need
We require
Is to be our best selves
-Jennie Nawrocki
Many moons ago I started writing letters to a band then they said stop so I did I stopped sending them to that band and just wrote myself daily and towards the end several emails to myself a day all about what has transpired in my life. Heck if something horrible happened I write what just happened? why did you do that?
Then my computer went dark, hacked by the neighbors. It was useless really to even think I could have a computer so I sold it. I haven’t been able to afford a new computer since.
So that December was really the end of my world as I new it. Everything and everyone changed around me and I felt that is truly when I started running on my hamster wheel ever since or as some even myself refer to it as the road to nowhere.
Why do I say that because time, space, family, friends and all the freedoms I had were gone and none of them have returned because well as I was told I was never coming back.
So when those around me that actually do take the time to write an email or call or even converse with me I wonder if this is the one that talks to me freely as though no one was listening again. Some say no one is listening or if they are listening no one cares.
I don’t know what is worse to have a conversation with someone and they don’t care and or are motivated to discredit you or just never speaking again.
So here I am almost exactly 6 years to the day I sold my computer and the end of my existence as I knew it still wondering what the heck is going on and why would someone do that?
One thing is we argue and scream at each other and have ever since about the horrible things I have done. I say I haven’t they say I have. It is a never ending argument. An argument that has left me behind.
The ironic thing is that some still ask where did you go why haven’t you called or written how have you not known about this. My reply still is well this blocked me years ago when this hacked my computer so I couldn’t even see my files.
Go home they say. The day I sold my computer was the last day I had a home it was my foundation to the life I once had. I never entered the home they built me, NEVER. Even now I am told of my new home they have built me that I am allowed a little room to occupy. The new normal they call it. I have yet to see it. I just hear about how I am told to go to it but I don’t know where it is or know it wouldn’t really feel like it is home once I get there.
My home was a place I had a say in where I went, who I would speak to and when. I could eat what I wanted, sleep when I wanted and buy what I wanted. I lived alone and haven’t lived with anybody since I moved out of my Greenwood apartment in 1999. Yes it has been that long.
In a different universe since then some say I was married and have had several children along with several cats and dogs and other animals. I have also been called an alien, a witch and the most hated living or dead human being on the planet among other things too. I have been named and termed so much I still write tweets saying remember me Jennie Nawrocki is still Jennie Nawrocki.
The truth is whether I live in that understanding or the common ground understanding I still live alone with my one cat named Sherman. I never had kids or a husband and my mom and my sister calls me on holidays and my birthday. That is basically it I get maybe a couple of more texts, emails or calls but mostly it is just my mom and my sister a few times a year if that. I do have this other person I message but when I mention the name to others or what I do for that person they don’t believe it. In addition, the last time I officially went to party was an office holiday party I had to work at 5 years ago. People talk about quarantine I feel I have been in quarantine since I moved away from Seattle, Washington, I now live in the Bronx, New York. Oh and in that different universe they tell me no I don’t, then I still ask them where do I live?
I talk like I live in different worlds because it feels like I live in different worlds. Unfortunately both seem living disasters right now.
What do I do where do I go? Some tell me go home still back to Washington and I say where my home or any semblance of it is gone and like I am told I can’t run or hide because she will always find me. So if that is the case then my future is not mine it is for she supposedly to determine. So again where is home, my sanctuary, my sense of place where I can gather my pieces of my personal puzzle and put some semblance of my dignity and my honor back together?
It is never going to happen Jennie Nawrocki you don’t deserve it, you deserve nothing.
So I have been asking how does one live their life or progress in any way if they deserve nothing?
Take care and much love,
Yours always Jennie Nawrocki
I started with hope
And that was soon gone
Then I said ok I can adjust
With no end in sight still
But that was soon gone
Just do this and all will be good
Soon I will be free
It is the new normal
Well 2020
You better start showing positivity
Because so far this year sucks
And my patience
Will never subside
Why
Because we have yet
To vote for a president
Also
Winter is coming
And
As soon as hurricane season is done
And the holidays occur
I know something you might not remember
It will be 2021
And a fresh start will begin again
So build hope
Savor flexibility
And most of all
Make your new normal
Better than normal
Because why clean house
If you leave something undone
You got the time
And it is your house anyway
Make it more than tolerable
Only livable
Inclusive
And satisfying
– Jennie Nawrocki
I have been known to write a few emails in my time but one tradition I still keep is the letter. Writing has never hindered only enhanced. What do most people say, it is not finalized until you have it written down. That is why most living beings I hear don’t leave paper trails. Personally I don’t like that because history needs to be reread. How many mistakes have been responded to with “if I had known I wouldn’t have done that.” Notice the cultures that have lived and survived the longest all were steeped in oral and written history. When Ken Burns made his first directorial debut his documentary was filled with letters. They didn’t tell just what happened but the emotional side of it too. As you were watching you felt you were living that moment with them. However when archeologists just find a shard of pottery all they can say is this must have held food. We want mysteries solved to learn from our forefathers to succeed in ways they couldn’t. We need their stories both oral and written.
My family has always been strong story tellers, every family gathering has at least a few. Like the time my sister tried to change the oil in our family Pinto and it ruined the engine or how she became the first person to make her own teriyaki sauce without a recipe. Now how do other family members get the recipe it is written down and passed down generation to generation. She could send via email of course but eventually someone prints out that recipe or rewrites in on a index card. Preservation starts with writing events down.
Preserving history is one thing though in today’s world to write a letter means a lot and to receive a letter it means the world. Most lives are enhanced by reading a letter but most often it is the signature that really brings it home. This was even made famous in the movie Say Anything directed by Cameron Crowe. It is how she signed the letter that tells you how she is really feeling. So whether you hand write your letter on fancy paper or type it on regular white paper. People look forward to that item that someone took to mail.
It breaks the monopoly of screen time but most important someone is saying you mean the world to me just as Lloyd Dobbler wrote. Our country was founded on getting messages to people without technological glitches. Through hail, sleet, rain or snow the United States mail always delivers as long as you answer those questions at the window first.
Therefore I am asking you save our postal service, save our mail for it is a federal crime to tamper with the United States Postal Service. For even my cat acts like Johnny Carson predicting what is in the envelope.
Take care much love,
Yours Always Jennie Nawrocki
My purpose
Never changed
I wanted
To better
The world
In any way
I knew how
I wanted
Give people
With disabilities
A voice
A chance
That was
The same as ours
I wanted
To see everyone
Have opportunity
To be successful
Regardless of where
They came from
I wanted to stop
Seeing suffering
And start seeing
Satisfaction
I wanted
Our planet
To breathe
As though
It just finished
A summer rain
I wanted
What you wanted
To live
Without worry
Starting now
-Jennie Nawrocki
Chance
Always stationery
Relationships stagnant
Nothing changed
We were the same
Years ago
Or weren’t we
Who knows
I haven’t seen you
You haven’t seen me
Only small talk in between
Through wires
Seen and unseen
Even if we don’t
Know each other
We certainly know
The stories
So do we develop healthy
Or stay the same
-Jennie Nawrocki