Many moons ago I started writing letters to a band then they said stop so I did I stopped sending them to that band and just wrote myself daily and towards the end several emails to myself a day all about what has transpired in my life. Heck if something horrible happened I write what just happened? why did you do that?
Then my computer went dark, hacked by the neighbors. It was useless really to even think I could have a computer so I sold it. I haven’t been able to afford a new computer since.
So that December was really the end of my world as I new it. Everything and everyone changed around me and I felt that is truly when I started running on my hamster wheel ever since or as some even myself refer to it as the road to nowhere.
Why do I say that because time, space, family, friends and all the freedoms I had were gone and none of them have returned because well as I was told I was never coming back.
So when those around me that actually do take the time to write an email or call or even converse with me I wonder if this is the one that talks to me freely as though no one was listening again. Some say no one is listening or if they are listening no one cares.
I don’t know what is worse to have a conversation with someone and they don’t care and or are motivated to discredit you or just never speaking again.
So here I am almost exactly 6 years to the day I sold my computer and the end of my existence as I knew it still wondering what the heck is going on and why would someone do that?
One thing is we argue and scream at each other and have ever since about the horrible things I have done. I say I haven’t they say I have. It is a never ending argument. An argument that has left me behind.
The ironic thing is that some still ask where did you go why haven’t you called or written how have you not known about this. My reply still is well this blocked me years ago when this hacked my computer so I couldn’t even see my files.
Go home they say. The day I sold my computer was the last day I had a home it was my foundation to the life I once had. I never entered the home they built me, NEVER. Even now I am told of my new home they have built me that I am allowed a little room to occupy. The new normal they call it. I have yet to see it. I just hear about how I am told to go to it but I don’t know where it is or know it wouldn’t really feel like it is home once I get there.
My home was a place I had a say in where I went, who I would speak to and when. I could eat what I wanted, sleep when I wanted and buy what I wanted. I lived alone and haven’t lived with anybody since I moved out of my Greenwood apartment in 1999. Yes it has been that long.
In a different universe since then some say I was married and have had several children along with several cats and dogs and other animals. I have also been called an alien, a witch and the most hated living or dead human being on the planet among other things too. I have been named and termed so much I still write tweets saying remember me Jennie Nawrocki is still Jennie Nawrocki.
The truth is whether I live in that understanding or the common ground understanding I still live alone with my one cat named Sherman. I never had kids or a husband and my mom and my sister calls me on holidays and my birthday. That is basically it I get maybe a couple of more texts, emails or calls but mostly it is just my mom and my sister a few times a year if that. I do have this other person I message but when I mention the name to others or what I do for that person they don’t believe it. In addition, the last time I officially went to party was an office holiday party I had to work at 5 years ago. People talk about quarantine I feel I have been in quarantine since I moved away from Seattle, Washington, I now live in the Bronx, New York. Oh and in that different universe they tell me no I don’t, then I still ask them where do I live?
I talk like I live in different worlds because it feels like I live in different worlds. Unfortunately both seem living disasters right now.
What do I do where do I go? Some tell me go home still back to Washington and I say where my home or any semblance of it is gone and like I am told I can’t run or hide because she will always find me. So if that is the case then my future is not mine it is for she supposedly to determine. So again where is home, my sanctuary, my sense of place where I can gather my pieces of my personal puzzle and put some semblance of my dignity and my honor back together?
It is never going to happen Jennie Nawrocki you don’t deserve it, you deserve nothing.
So I have been asking how does one live their life or progress in any way if they deserve nothing?
Take care and much love,
Yours always Jennie Nawrocki