So many people talking about things, saying this and that but never what they really mean. Implied, I am supposed to understand implied? However, I to ask is a no, no basically to the thought that I can’t ever talk about it. Well you know what when it comes to dispelling rumors, I’ll tell what’s on my mind and what really occurred. People have hated that about me. I do try to ease it with some humor but honey I will tell you my side of the story and how I feel.
Yesterday, I went to an art store looking for supplies for writing letters and all that was available in the clearance section were blue, purple and red calligraphy pens. Now I don’t have much money as you can tell by me doing most of my shopping in the clearance bins but based on what I saw I thought I might be able be able to, obviously I was a little indecisive because of my limited choices but maybe if I had all the right materials. Turns out to make all the cards I wanted and the pens to write them with it became more than I could afford. It was like The Gift of the Magi one does not go without the other. Though after careful thought if I had a few of each, I had a start. When I got home I thought how does blue, purple, and red go with Christmas?
Morning came and I opened the Bible, yes I actually read the Bible.
Now I know I may have lost some readers at this point but you never know the next short paragraph might be interesting give it a read.
Anyways, I read the Old Testament or as some people who are Jewish refer to it as the Torah and the random page I first turn to is a page talking about temple decoration. In reading this chapter what colors do they use? They used blue, purple and scarlet. Some may find this surprising but to me this occurs a lot. So is it coincidence maybe, but I am not taking my chances I am going to send out at least one Christmas card with blue, purple and scarlet.
Maybe it is not my place to say this or assume at all that people would like to get to know me. However, I know some would like for me to love them, be their best friend, just simply spend time, maybe even join them watching TV. If I could spend time with everyone of you believe me I would find a way. That all is decided on one thing who really wants me beside them and to the extent of the relationship they want. It makes no sense if one is trying to put a magnet on glass or plastic, the people have to connect somehow, especially emotionally on the same level and it can’t be manipulated either. We all know what happens when things are made on unstable foundations, it just doesn’t work. That is why the next steps in any relationship must be done together.
Fear is an extremely powerful emotion, it drives us in directions opposite from assumed danger. I once wrote that I was afraid to be friends because I would only drag them down, an embarrassment. Afraid of what people would say about me, afraid I would lose relationships because of it. We know it wouldn’t work, I said. Failure clings to every part of me even when I am very successful, it turns into failure. I have never been able to have the good without the bad. Now things are morphing and my mind says and thinks things of what others would actually say or do than I have really done. I can’t control the thoughts or even my body like I used to. Lately, it seems I have more abilities but none at the same time. It seems I need to filter more and more to make the next enriching decision. For each decision seems labored as the result of newsreels of social media that run my mind. Just as when you read you have to retain the main ideas and what pertains to you. I have to do the same. Although, it is a little different I have to be honest, without improper influences. About a decade ago the intensity of social media sites circle of concentration starting repeating themes and ideas all intended to be helpful. Though I found out they were traps for those gullible like me. I have fallen into every single one of them. Now I can’t decipher or speak my own words it seems. I am at a loss, I never wanted to feel or have some of the thoughts that have entered my brain. It mingles with fears that then are reinforced by all sorts of things. I live in a world that has pressured me into unbelievable experiences and believing in things that never happened or will happen. I live in fear, worry and dread for all possible outcomes. Some may say why are you so negative? I know and lived patterns that one good thing follows 20 bad things. I lost hope when my mind lost it comfort zone of normalcy. I can no longer relax my thoughts because of the circle of concentration, even when focusing on what good is occurring. When someone says nonsensical things over and over they stick, unfortunately. The stigma of knowing what people’s goals have been for years and your own goals of living with family and friends in healthy ways have torn me inside out, cementing me like someone glued a slinky to a table. I get the elation of glorious fulfillment followed by the drag of depression. I can’t imagine living in either world because they never seem to want the same things, except maybe one to put me in my place, a decision that seems to have lost input from the main person it involves, me. I know I am being selfish sometimes but really enough to seem to have people daily say, “Not for you!” Really it should be my bumper sticker. Now what to do about these unwanted thoughts that rule my fear. They are a mess and I need to realize there are some things I shouldn’t be afraid of thinking, saying or doing.
I am here to say what I actually did and will continue to do. I was teacher, friend, sister and daughter to many people with disabilities and non disabilities. I gave my life to their care and safety. I treated them with respect and worked hard at never overstepped my boundaries. I have withered away defending these actions. There were and are times I have been found fumbling and confusing others thoughts to make it implied I did any differently. In the end, it has always been their rights, safety and respect for their own personal dignity that has motivated me to simply say “No!” to all opposition who would think or even lead me to believe I might have done otherwise. I continue to accept and practice the moral and ethical standards I have habitualized as common sense otherwise known as the golden rule. So when a bad thought comes my way, I rather spend the day crying in sadness and depression reminding myself what is appropriate than to act on it. As stupid and debilitating as it sounds it is much better than the consequences to the alternative.
I must say this was not intended to tell you how to live your life but to explain how I have been living mine.