Fear is an extremely powerful emotion, it drives us in directions opposite from assumed danger. I once wrote that I was afraid to be friends because I would only drag them down, an embarrassment. Afraid of what people would say about me, afraid I would lose relationships because of it. We know it wouldn’t work, I said. Failure clings to every part of me even when I am very successful, it turns into failure. I have never been able to have the good without the bad. Now things are morphing and my mind says and thinks things of what others would actually say or do than I have really done. I can’t control the thoughts or even my body like I used to. Lately, it seems I have more abilities but none at the same time. It seems I need to filter more and more to make the next enriching decision. For each decision seems labored as the result of newsreels of social media that run my mind. Just as when you read you have to retain the main ideas and what pertains to you. I have to do the same. Although, it is a little different I have to be honest, without improper influences. About a decade ago the intensity of social media sites circle of concentration starting repeating themes and ideas all intended to be helpful. Though I found out they were traps for those gullible like me. I have fallen into every single one of them. Now I can’t decipher or speak my own words it seems. I am at a loss, I never wanted to feel or have some of the thoughts that have entered my brain. It mingles with fears that then are reinforced by all sorts of things. I live in a world that has pressured me into unbelievable experiences and believing in things that never happened or will happen. I live in fear, worry and dread for all possible outcomes. Some may say why are you so negative? I know and lived patterns that one good thing follows 20 bad things. I lost hope when my mind lost it comfort zone of normalcy. I can no longer relax my thoughts because of the circle of concentration, even when focusing on what good is occurring. When someone says nonsensical things over and over they stick, unfortunately. The stigma of knowing what people’s goals have been for years and your own goals of living with family and friends in healthy ways have torn me inside out, cementing me like someone glued a slinky to a table. I get the elation of glorious fulfillment followed by the drag of depression. I can’t imagine living in either world because they never seem to want the same things, except maybe one to put me in my place, a decision that seems to have lost input from the main person it involves, me. I know I am being selfish sometimes but really enough to seem to have people daily say, “Not for you!” Really it should be my bumper sticker. Now what to do about these unwanted thoughts that rule my fear. They are a mess and I need to realize there are some things I shouldn’t be afraid of thinking, saying or doing.
I am here to say what I actually did and will continue to do. I was teacher, friend, sister and daughter to many people with disabilities and non disabilities. I gave my life to their care and safety. I treated them with respect and worked hard at never overstepped my boundaries. I have withered away defending these actions. There were and are times I have been found fumbling and confusing others thoughts to make it implied I did any differently. In the end, it has always been their rights, safety and respect for their own personal dignity that has motivated me to simply say “No!” to all opposition who would think or even lead me to believe I might have done otherwise. I continue to accept and practice the moral and ethical standards I have habitualized as common sense otherwise known as the golden rule. So when a bad thought comes my way, I rather spend the day crying in sadness and depression reminding myself what is appropriate than to act on it. As stupid and debilitating as it sounds it is much better than the consequences to the alternative.
I must say this was not intended to tell you how to live your life but to explain how I have been living mine.