The party was well started when Amber arrived, turns out they were cutting the cake at 7 though the real party started at 5.  Seeing all the people in mid party Amber looked at her phones previous text history from her sister and it read, “ Come by 7 that is when the party begins.”   Thinking she would help set up she was there at 6:30.  She was glad to have come when she did at least this way she could eat a little something before desert.

There were many people here, more than she expected. She could see from the doorway it seemed there wasn’t one part of the house that didn’t have people. Most of them she knew, her family, mutual friends and friends of her sisters that she has met throughout the years but there were some new faces as well.

Even with all those people she entered without notice.  The hall table was over flowing with presents, balloons, and flowers.  By the pile of gifts and decorations you would think it was a special milestone birthday like 21, 25, 50, 75, 100 or something like that, nope my sister was turning 31.  When you have a family as big as ours, if everyone gives you one present, you already have at least 20.  Between her and her husband she had a pretty big family, it was occasions like this that reminded her how big it actually was.  It was also events like this that she imagined their feet resting on her patio of dreams. Picturing the patio she heard “Amber where have you been, we’ve waited hours for you, didn’t you get my calls?”

Frustrated Amber replied, “I checked my phone a couple of hours ago and I didn’t see anything.”

“I called you at 5 when the party started.”

“Sorry, I must have been in the shower at that time.”

“No worries, you are here now, come, come, have something to eat you look a little thin, we have plenty of food, you must eat.”  Her sisters words were muffled, as all Amber could see was the back of her head as she grabbed her arm and pulled her through the foosball table of people.

“I am hungry I only had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch.” Amber mentioned softly.

“Good, Good, let’s get you a plate” her sister replied while handing her the sturdy paper plate ready to be greased stained with a variety of pot luck delicacies.  Holding the plate in her hands as her cousin, the food table stocker, plied food on it from the dining room table covered in mounds of potato and pasta salad, flavored wings, meatballs, fruit, chips, veggies with several dips.  By the time she finished surveying the table her cousin had already filled every millimeter of voided space on her plate, soon her plate was the mini version of the homemade feast displayed.

“Don’t forget to see Jimmy for your burger.”  Her cousin said handing her the plate.

Half joking knowing she couldn’t eat what was already given to her “Is there room on the plate?”

“Sure there is just put it on top and make a food skyscraper, some people even put the chips in their burgers, it’s all going to the same place anyway.” Barely replying as she already is helping scoop second helpings for another cousin.

“That is for sure.  Is Jimmy out back by the grill like usual?”  Amber said hopefully, this was the part of these parties she liked, fresh grilled meat and her brother-in-law was good at it too.

“Yep, can’t go one of these parties without Jimmy’s famous BBQ.”  Her cousin nodding her head and smiling towards the sliding doors to the backyard.

“I look forward to it, see you later.”  She would have heard a response but someone was already asking for a recipe to one of the dishes.

Walking outside to get her burger, Jimmy looked like the man in every TV commercial you see of outdoor BBQ’s, he could have been their poster child with his “Kiss the Cook” apron shiny tool set and the most elaborate grille set up one could want.  I think it was even better than their kitchen stove.  You could tell he had been there most of the day.  He preferred charcoal grills to propane, thought they gave the food a better flavor.  Seeing me, he said “Hi ya, Amber, You want a brat or a burger?”

“I thought we were just having burgers?” replying as she checks out the sizzling meat on the grill.

“Now you know I wouldn’t just grill one type of meat, got to have a selection even have some garden burgers if you wanted one.”  Proudly he says as he scoops up one for her to inspect closer.

“I think I will skip the garden burger today, never can resist your grilling.  Did you get the brats from the butcher at the mini mall on Foster Ave. or at the market.”  Hoping that it was from the butcher Amber said eagerly.

“Why Amber, this is a special occasion, of course I had to go to the butcher. George said he made the batch yesterday.”  Jimmy was clearly satisfied and honored that she would ask.

Joining the conversation my sister says “You two and your meats, always so particular, personally I can’t tell a darn thing different about any of them.”

“Honey, the same goes with me when you ask about which wine I am about to drink, it is all fermented grapes to me.”  We all began laughing.

“and me.”  I nodded in agreement with Jimmy.  We got along just fine, we could talk of BBQ’ing and how to build a fence all day long.  I however was here to celebrate my sister’s birthday so dropping the shop-talk, I went to sit by another cousin.

She was in a floral sundress, Mary Jane high-heels with chandelier earrings jiggling as she greeted me.  After a few moments of catching up she had to leave because one of her children needed help setting up a game.  I, then was finally able to eat.

Each stone became a part of a butterfly, immortalized in the ground.  That is what Amber had been working on creating as the border of her rather decent sized patio.  She always wanted something light, airy and peaceful, something that would say come, sit, enjoy your self there are no worries here.  She envisioned many outdoor barbeques, evenings of family, friends and even on those rare solitary nights having a drink and a snack in the hugging southern evening air.  There were times Amber would just go out in the middle of the night and sit to listen to that low-level humming sound amongst the large billowing trees.  These hours when the sky lacked the burning sun, this is when the human world rests, nature breathes and it was here in the south where she was actually able to feel it.

However that would not be today, Amber only had a couple of hours before she had to leave for her sister’s birthday party.  She spent last night wrapping the gift.  Today she planned on finishing the stone mosaic border.  The guy at the store said “That’s a big job for a wee little thing like yourself, are you ser’ ya don’t wanna to hire someone to do it?”

“I’m sure.” almost too confident in her reply.

“Many things can go wrong, ya have to think about levelin’ the ground, mixin’ the sand, and heck, what are ye going to do when ya encounter one of those big roots, they can be real buggers.”

“I think I will be ok, I pretty much have it cleared, leveled and measured the area completely now.” She said as she thought about the two weekends of her time.

“Ah! Ok well ya got any brothers, fathers, husband, boyfriends, they could help ya too?” The beer bellied fine haired man said.

He can’t be hitting on me, she thought, he was a married man. She began replying politely but a little curious as to where he was going with this line of questioning. “They are all too busy, plus like I said, it is almost done, just had to get me some stones.”  though another idea came to her as she finished her statement, maybe he didn’t like the idea of a woman doing a man’s work. She was becoming a little annoyed that still in world with smell-i-visions in development why are people so sexist.

“Well ya can come back, any time, we have many people to come over and help, if ya are willing to pay, of course….otherwise we can only answer yer questions for free.”

He wasn’t sexist at all nor hitting on her, he just wanted more money.  “Well I might take advantage of the free questions but for now I better get going I want to start before it gets too late.”

“Alrighty then, see ya later, I’m ser.” He said finishing their conversation as she gathers her stuff to leave.

Why didn’t she get to have Vernon as the cashier of this ma and pa hardware store that is passed down to each generation?  Vernon was the son of the owners, this guy was like a store babysitter only here when the family had other things they needed to do.  Vernon, he always told a joke when she went through the line.  It was a usually some lame joke though she still liked them.  She still remembered his last one done in his mocking southern accent, “That will be 12 dollars and 11 cements.”  Guessing he ran out of his regular one-liners for the day.  She still laughed, though he always made her feel welcome.

Remembering all of this she barely knew she was already at her car loading the hand-picked smooth stones all in a variety of shades.  She thought about using porcelain instead of stone but didn’t think that would hold up to the weather and general happenings in her backyard.  She predicted he first time she slid a lawn mower past that smooth colorful exterior, she knew she would cause major damage.  Amber sighed at the thought of having to relay the floor every week to keep up with replacing all the scratches and dings. These stones were the better choice for her vast planned events of this current dirt leveled square attached to the side of her classic Victorian home still needing to be revamped to the turn of the century standards or any livable standards for most people.  All she cared about was that it was functional and it didn’t leak.  The rest she would work on in her spare time.

Though trying to dry fit the stones in that butterfly pattern she obtained from one of the many redecorating magazines and books she perused regularly became a hair-pulling chore for with each arrangement of stones she tried, fit less than a square peg in a round hole.  She looked with sadness at every attempt, for the butterfly always ended up with clipped wings.  Picking up some smaller stones, placing them in areas to enliven the butterflies flight, didn’t work either, turned out just to be a blurry, distorted circle rather than a butterfly.  Yet again she realized that she had not found a pattern since she began this tremendous restoration project that she hadn’t had to modify within her current paradise of weeds and overgrown shrubs.  She had to let the surrounding garden go while she was working on the patio.  There was only so much time in between her job and fixing up the house and her numerous family responsibilities.  Which reminded her she better check her phone someone might be calling about the party tonight.

Standing up looking at the pile of unorganized stone, globby mortar, and muddy tools she felt completely unaccomplished for several hours of work.  Putting away what she could, cleaning the remnants of wasted effort off her tools she entered the house to find her phone set on perpetual vibrate.  Often she was in meetings or had her hands covered in goop that she could never answer her phone right away, so it was best not to bother people with an annoying ringtone.  Walking into the dining room wearing her frosted overalls after leaving her clay caked shoes outside.  Then passing through the kitchen scrubbing her hands clean she was able to pick up her charging cell phone, looked and saw no messages. Continuing on to the laundry room putting all her work clothes directly into the washing machine.  Finally as she finished her tour of the house by walking into the bedroom in her bra and undies, she was ready for a long hot shower ahead. Her arms ached from lifting all those bags of stones.  Though before she went in she took one glance at the clock to see how much time she had before she needed to leave.  These parties go only one of two ways very bad or very good.

She walks down the street, there are signs everywhere. Reading each one, taking in its size, shape and meaning. Each day they are give feelings of anger, sadness, laughter and pure happiness. They are clear remembering them a sign is information, it is up to the viewer to take action.
Somedays she follows the sign buying milk for her coffee, new shoes for 60% off, takes a right to go to the zoo, supports a chair, even to see a play.
Today she goes for lunch.
”Hi Larry!” Smiling big.
”Amber it has been awhile, pastrami sandwich on rye, no mayo, everyday I keep the best slices for you.” Larry’s heart is pumping.
”That is sweet Larry, thank you! You know me so well.”
Getting out the bread ”I try to know all my customers, you, you I prefer to see everyday.”
Blushing Amber squeaks ” You are the reason I come in here, too.”
She looks at him while he spreads the tomato slices. He is cute, funny, and nice.
He sprinkles the lettuce I wonder if she will go out with me, if only she gave me a sign, something that tells me she is interested, something.
She then asks ”Did you se that sign up on Sassafras? The Tempest, one of Shakespeare’s finest.”
”That and Hamlet are always seat edgers for me.”
”Right, I swear immobilizing beams come and paralyze me every time the lights dim. I was thinking I would buy tickets, I just need to find someone to go with” Amber hinting.
”That will be $6.52. What about Reba? Don’t you always take her.”
Handing over her card ”Yeah I could.”
Sliding the card I would really love to go, but she has someone. ”oh, he says have fun.”
Why wont he say he wants to go, I really want to go with him. Placing the well used card in her purse.
I really want to go with her, he dreams as he hands her the sandwich.
”Maybe tonight I will buy tickets, it would be a nice show to see.” Hoping she says come with me.
”That is a good idea I really look forward to it!” hoping he would invite her. ”Gotta go or the boss will ride me. Bye.” Sighing as she smiles and waves.
She heads back to work thinking why wouldn’t he give me a sign.
He watches the door swing close, why didn’t she give me a sign.

-Jennie Nawrocki

“I will go there.”

“Where?”

“to the ends of the earth”

“but the earth is round and always spinning…. won’t you get dizzy become passed out never seeing the end, never being finished”

“Why would I want it to be final?”

“then you can stop, rest and live your live the way you are supposed to everyone needs to do that!”

“but where is the fun in that? I get to see the world”

“You will be broke and torn!”

“Wouldn’t you want to be the one item in the Antique store that the edges are worn from wear?”

“I thought fresh out of the box was better?”

“For a museum, maybe who wants to be always fragile and never touched. Where are the scars that tell the stories, there is no life in it, just something to admire.”

“It’s safe!”

“It’s boring!”

“Go then, don’t blame me for not warning you”

“I have already fallen’ into a centrifuge separated from the core.”

“I always knew you were missing a few parts.”

“That’s right, little bits of me floating in space.”

“Space? Out of this World? Don’t you want to be home?”

“Home is where the heart is.”

“yuch, this again!”

“It’s true, don’t you see?”

“See what?”

“That is exactly my point!”

“You see what you want to see.”

“You’re confusing me.”

“I know, I’m confused myself…those must be the missing parts”

“You got me spinning”

“That is what I am trying not to do. My mind, body, spirit or soul, however you want to call it, even my heart were floating everywhere, I chose to follow my heart.”

“STOP talking in Hallmark cards!”

“Again that is my point!”

“A Hallmark card has something for everyone. Some are disappointing, sad, humorous, enduring, cheerful….you get me. However they are all given to display and affirm love.”

“Love? You have really gone crazy now!”

“You always feel loved when I am around haven’t you?”

“Yes, mostly well there was this one time….”

“I swear if you bring that up….”

“You really need to learn to lighten up…..maybe that is the missing part? Sometimes you aren’t always here.”

“Precisely!”

“Circles we are spinning circles”

“I was here but this bit was over here and this person had this, I was never together, that is why I need to go.”

“Won’t that pull you further apart, being everywhere…..Where is it you are going you have said yet?”

“Not quite sure.”

“Then why leave?”

“cause I am not all here, I need to be there to be here.”

“You are exhausting.”

“Sleep any chance I get these days.”

“You must be going on a quest, you are not looking for the Holy Grail are you?”

“Even Monty Python thought that was funny. I know what I want and where it is.”

“Then what is it? Don’t tell me Precious Moments, now I am getting sick”

“So was I!”

“Then stop!”

“Would you stop if you didn’t feel full?”

“Don’t get me started talking about food, you know how I love to eat.”

“So do I, but we will do that later.”

“What’s later?”

“Eating!”

“Where do you want to go?”

“I already told you to the ends of the earth”

“Oh, we are back on that again.”

“Look I will always be what you wanted me to be successful, respected and loved, though this time it will be different I will be satisfied because I have everything I have always wanted.”

“But you won’t be here.”

“I will, there will be more of me here then ever before…all because I went to the ends of the earth to follow my heart, to be with my soul and have my body feel one with another.”

“More Hallmark cards!”

“Think of it this way. Because you picked the card for you, you will always feel loved for the fact I have sent the love just the way you need it.”

“This is starting to get very cheesy.”

“Yeah! I am ready to go to Dick’s now.”

“Are you calling me a Dick?”

“You can be, but I want a Dick’s cheeseburger.”

“Good because I don’t even have one, but I will take one of those.”

-Jennie Nawrocki

“AMBER! You’re gonna be late!” her roommate screams up the stairs.

The bathroom fan muffles the sound of her own voice as she replies “What time is it?”

“It’s 10 pass the hour, you will never make it on time” exasperated.

“I just have to finish putting on my makeup.”  Knowing that was a lie, she said it anyway, it would keep her roommate from asking again, for at least 5 minutes.  She still had to pack her purse and figure out what shoes she was going to wear.

Amber liked her roommate for keeping track of time for she hated watches, thought they were too bulky and the thought of taking her phone into the bathroom while showering would be the same as eating cereal on the toilet, disgusting!  Seriously, you might as well live on the toilet if you are going to do that, shoveling it in one way as it comes out the other, Ugh!  It made her shiver at the thought but it made her shiver even more that she had done it a few times herself.  As she shook her head her hand quivered and the liquid eye liner she was applying became uneven, “Crap!  Now I have start again.”

Amber knew she was never good at this stuff.  It wasn’t that she didn’t like make up, she just never had a steady hand.  She admired the artists and regular women who could draw a smooth line.  Her hand eye coordination was never good anyway.  Amber gave up on using the track pad of her laptop and used the Hello Kitty mouse plugged into her USB drive she was given as a present instead.  Totally not her style but it was the result of when she and her roommate ended up going shopping after several hours of failing to master the track pad.  It seemed to happen very quickly, she remembers being at the store looking at some new computer programs when her roommate walks up to her with bag in hand and said “Let’s go.”  What could she say, she didn’t want to disappoint her, she was compelled to keep it, just like this liquid eye liner that is meant to make your eyes pop.

Looking in the mirror though, she felt she looked more like a raccoon than anything else.  Washing off the eye make up and going back to her old eye liner and her way of putting on makeup, she finished.  She knew she didn’t look like a model but she didn’t think she was the elephant man either.  She quickly put away her things and went into her bedroom.

Picking the right shoes was always a problem, why couldn’t she wear her tennis shoes.  She always like them, even had a couple of the same pair.  As she stares at all the shoes in her closet she hears, “AMBER!”

“I’m coming!” realizing she had to hurry she grabs the boots that are her fall back shoes when wearing dresses.  The boots are extremely comfortable and keep her legs warm, their was always a side of practicality to her choices.  After she packs her purse rushes downstairs, she was ready and wasn’t late.

“I see you decided to go curly.  I really wish you would cut your bangs, I hate them hanging in your face like that.  Here this is what you need to do.”  Standing in the doorway lifeless as her roommate redoes her hair, spits on her thumb to wipe away the make up she just redid.  “Now that is better, look don’t you look better?”

Glancing in the hallway mirror, knowing she was late and it would make her roommate unhappy, she just nods her head hoping she could leave.

As she puts on her coat she hears “You know that other dress would be better, I like that dress, it really makes you look better.”

“I am already late!”  Amber snaps.

“Don’t get all huffy with me.  You are the one that didn’t give yourself enough time. You should really put on that dress!” Her roommate retorts.

Amber knew she wasn’t going no where unless she changed.  Reluctantly she went upstairs put on the other dress and came back down.  Begins putting on her coat, opens the door.  Her roommate says, “Bye have a good time, don’t stay out too late, you never know who you will run into.”

“Bye, see you later.” Amber says solemnly as she walks out the door a completely different person.