Look when it comes to relationships I shouldn’t give any advice.  I have been hurt because my privacy was taken away, my thoughts included.  It is no secret about how things could be seen several different ways all at the same time and some of them are so opposing that you shiver (spasm) even vomit at the idea of one over the other.  You can’t think of this person as this person here and this person there, yet you can and oh wait let’s throw in a few more possibilities too. It has driven me insane to focus on one scenario without saying to myself well he could also be this person because of this example. So to get back at people I start thinking of them in situations they wouldn’t like either. Well we began to offend each other, each time upping the grossness and crappiness of it. It was a mutual or reciprocal relationship and it got sick and nasty.  He would play people I knew and I would imagine him as all those people too also fighting to not imagine as all those people.  So thoughts swirled recent people and images swirled around for both of us, maybe me more than him because I never had the validation that it was just this person or that person which didn’t exactly make it easy to narrow it down to just one person.  It still doesn’t and still is scary when unexpected flashes of images of people in situations that never happened.  I have been known to cry, scream and feel angry when something goes horribly mixed up or question what really occurred and in what order. It is true I hated not knowing what just happened. Which is why I get so depressed because I will only know what people want me to remember.

-Jennie Nawrocki

Soon it will be the 4th of July and we will celebrate the independence of our country from a sovereign power.  There is something to be said for freedom, many children experience it in their early 20’s.  That time when parents stop supporting them and they support themselves, eventually even their own families. 

Some people called me spoiled because I lived with my mother until college and she even gave some money towards my freshman year of tutition.  I didn’t leave my house by the time I was 16 (my brothers and sisters didn’t want to live by my mothers rules) so I didn’t have to suffer the poverty my family did.  Though I wonder those baloney and butter (yes butter!) sandwiches I refused to eat for lunch count as a luxury food or the fact that I had to scour the house for bus money so I could go to the orthodontist all by myself in the 5th grade because my mom couldn’t take the time off work for missing a days pay was too much on the budget count.  Though being able to have braces makes me spoiled, I guess. How about as soon as I was old enough I had to earn money.  Starting as a babysitter the when 16 took my first job at Pizza and Pipes.  Yes I may have had dance lessons but was yelled at often on the ride home because this was a privilege that she picked me up (versus bus) or even provided them.  It may be true my brothers and sisters never had dance lessons but they did have little league and could have more if they still lived with my mother.  Though I was given ski lessons by my brother one year it was the only time I didn’t get yelled at because my mom didn’t have to do anything, I walked to and from the ski school bus with all my ski gear by myself.  That was a the one time as a kid I felt privileged.  Though it didn’t last long because soon my chauffeured days would soon be over.  My brother bought me my first car because he didn’t want me to ruin his car or maybe it was because he wanted me to babysit more.  So the motives of buying me a car seem questionable.  For after that in order to pay for insurance, gas and maintenance, I got a job instead of dance lessons.  Well what about prom and all those other school activities, I didn’t go to prom and went to maybe two games one dance and the end of the year party. If any item was bought outside my own money it HAD to be approved by my mother, “My house, my money, my rules!” she would say.  Again I guess that is why my brothers and sisters left by the age of 16 but I stuck it out.  Even though freshman year of college I went away to live in the dorms she did give me money towards tutition, I was as independent as I could have been, it was my life now.  I don’t know about you but working 4 jobs in order to support yourself while going to college doesn’t seem spoiled.  In addition, either is asking for a loan (outside the immediate family) of $3000 towards a down payment on a condo, of which you paid every cent back being spoiled also.  I worked hard for every item I owned, and wasn’t picky about expenses either.  I had hand me down furniture and a bedroom set for $75.  I didn’t forget this generosity when I moved out too.  I gave my car to my neice and any furniture or other items I didn’t need away.  It was the same with gifts, if I couldn’t use it I give it to someone who could, yes also when I didn’t like it too but again rather than throw it away I would give it to someone who wanted it.  Every student and staff in my classroom was paid for on every trip even if the students parents didn’t have the money by my financial support.  I can’t count the numerous dinners I paid for friends and family.  I always made sure when I had money that people could enjoy it with me.  It was when I started buying tickets to concerts and going by myself from city to city, I started hearing the word spoiled.  Regardless if I bought two tickets, several times in actuality, I could find no one to go with me.  I did have one friend who would for awhile and she would pay for dinner, concerts and plays too but it got to be too much!  I couldn’t keep up and we started arguing about money matters and both paying our fair share.  I ended breaking my friendship with her for that and I found she was getting to into my business.  Every minute she wanted to get together and it started to get controlling and claustrophobic how she hung on me.  My life wasn’t my choice anymore.  She would call my friends and family behind my back, they would decide how I would spend my week not me.  I was suffocating, little did I know she would continue this and so much more and now I live over 2000 miles from her and my family and still seem like I am living under my mothers roof, with her rules.  I am told in passing I don’t get to do what I want to do.  Where did I go wrong? Could someone tell me the definition of independent? 

Which brings me back to Independence Day.  What I thought independence is, it has to be what the American Dream has always been, the land of opportunity, the ability to start a business from a lemonade stand, or buy a house anywhere as long as you had the money, marry the spouse you would like, and work the job of your desire.  If you have that you are living the revolution.  Happy Independence Day or is it just Happy 4th of July, because of those settlers long ago we have the freedom to choose democracy that allows freedom of religion, speech, and equal rights for all.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Each time I hear, can’t especially when it comes to their life I get annoyed if not upset.

LGBTQ

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Whether your father was always there or hardly there, this day reflects those times you did know him and how much he means to you.  For without him you wouldn’t be here. Love in all its forms builds from times well spent together.  Me and my dad had a few moments and I will never forget those moments of kindness.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I read, see, and hear so much information some of it is repeat and some of it new.  I have worked so hard to stay true and never cheat, in order to have my goals met. In that respect I really loved and love people, I can’t help it.  I love human beings, animals, plants even dirt and air.  There is no surprise that love comes in many different forms. I even love people I never met, if that is possible.  Even when angry, I rethink until I find a way to love again.  However most people who loved me have left me and I am told shouldn’t think any different, for I deserve the lonely life I live.  Somehow I didn’t respect the right people when I should have ( we disagreed on issues). Here is where it leaves me forever to feel alone. Though I will say I didn’t lie when I said I loved you.

– Jennie Nawrocki 

Yesterday despondency 

Rained heavily 

Swirling images 

So powerful 

Stuck vividly 

Imbedded into

Everything abound

This happened here

That never occurred 

Even when

Possibilities exhausted

Trying to look for

Could’ve maybes

But really

No I don’t think so

and didn’t want to

Think of

The sickening situation 

In the first place.

-Jennifer Nawrocki 

I had an argument with myself the other day about racism.  I said I saw that more and more African Americans are gaining positions of power and they are finally happy the roles reversed,  instead of seeing the mostly white congress I saw a mostly African American congress.  I thought just how an all white congress is racist and non representative of the population so would be an all African American congress then I said well I am racist for saying there shouldn’t be an all African American congress.  The thing is I was really saying there shouldn’t be an all ”            ” race of congress.  I don’t think only one group should be in power just like I don’t think only republicans or only democrats should  be in power.  America was built on a system of checks and balances and religious freedom (which in my opinion should have be cultural freedom), we need that.  I have said before where is the rich African American neighborhood or the rich  ”       ” neighborhood.  To be honest I just don’t think one race should have power over another regardless of which races they are.

 In addition.  I have said that I try not to notice the color of a persons skin though if you know me I have never tried to not include a culture in my life, I am known to celebrate more holidays than the average person for that reason.  So I may not notice your skin tone ( although that is hard to not notice) I do notice you and what you hold dear to your heart, whatever culture that may be and that to me is the most important.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I have issues with money, maybe because I really never had any so this might be a little biased but some reason patterns have been seen and  experienced by not just me.  It is not me to say and I have completely noticed that the one thing that people with lots of money have and that people who don’t have money have that people who don’t have money have also is the drive to provide. They both want a home with plenty of food to eat at the very minimum. That is why we go to school and work. Everybody wants to gain a good life.  However this is where the difference begins and my distaste of pious greed begins.  A rich person never really has to has to see poverty and the conditions in which they live.  They are driven around from door to door rather than walk, they delegate tasks such as getting food to delivery persons and if they have servants they never even meet them.  So basically they could go throughout their day never interacting with somebody who makes a minimum wage or even seeing a homeless person on the street.  Now don’t get me wrong there are lots of rich people who go out of their way to visit even revisit to make sure that their efforts towards improving someone less fortunate than them.  Several charities are based on this concept, videos shown of people actually experiencing and seeing the devestation themselves. These philanthropists often have foundations and go on several trips to ensure their money is improving lives.  However though those millionaires and billionaires are few,  Bill Gates is an excellent example, he focuses on his foundation full time from what I understand.  I found people like him to be role models and admire him for their knowledge of the problems people around the world face.  What I don’t like are those who use their money to want to own the world or to keep their ignorance of what others are living amongst. These are not struggles most Americans go through because most Americans are not rich.  When I came to New York City I was looking for apartments and saw one for rent before the manager showed me the identical floor plan of an apartment he had to talk with the person across the hall and while waiting outside I could see approximately 10-15 people inside.  When he came out I asked if they were having a party and he said no that is how many people live there.  I always wondered how people earning a minimum wage in New York live within the 5 bouroughs and that is the reason.  Now I understand there always must be a garbage person because we all make trash.  Just like there will always be a need for a dishwasher at home or in a restaurant.  Along with that there is also a need to have an owner of a company. However this is where the similarities come, neither person steps or forces the other to live in pain or live in squaller.  Each person regardless of their career should be able to have health care, healthy meal, decent wardrobe and a home that isn’t falling apart.  If you are rich and agree with me, than I admire you and always will.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

All year 

Is a surprise 

For any expectations

Are crushed 

With intensity 

So each day

The outcome 

In your favor

Is something 

Coming from

The ability to 

Maintain focus

Gather support 

And pure positivity 

Along with

Checking for

Bumbles throughout 

Time till

Achievement gained

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Mother’s Day appreciation for all those who give birth to the next generation, may morality and ethics guide you to remember respect.  The love of family will never be forgotten.

-Jennie Nawrocki