It is a well known thing that I confuse things or put things together that don’t belong together. For instance, transposing letters or words as I am speaking or typing.  I am infamous for not getting all my homophones right.  For example there, their and they’re, even double checking my writing I still get some of them mixed up.  Therefore (that time I got it right) I would and have taken it to the next step and associate concepts with items or people that wouldn’t normally have those associations.  

All to often, I will think as I walk around that person looks like this person or see them do something that reminds me of some one or something else.  Personally, I think some people do it on purpose but that is a whole other conversation.  If you don’t believe me think about advertising. We all know advertisers have suggestive themes to make you buy their products.  Well people can do that too.  Whenever someone wants something maybe for a birthday or their spouse complete the “honey do” list ( I don’t like the title of that either) it has been suggested to you indirectly or directly.  Well those same people could get you thinking about things you may never thought of or put together.  As a result, there are certain associations that my mind connects with certain people through past experiences. Believe me some of them do not go well together. Seriously, I have seen some nasty pictures as of late on social media that I literally want to throw my phone but stopped the urge because my complaints only seem to help it more.  Which is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen.  Yes, subliminal messaging works well on me and yes, it is that bad. Then you combine that with I am a confused person to begin with and my innate process of connecting things to what I already know, the situation gets even worse.

Let me give you an example of how this chain of events could take a wrong turn.  As babies we are gven those soft furry stuffed toys or blankets.  You have seen it or I am positive you have touched a stuffed toy and commented on how soft it is.  Heck before PETA mink coats were the thing, for several reasons even. Women in classic movies were always wanting them because they were soft and expensive.  Though soon and extremely right we were found out we evolved from needing to kill animals for their fur as our clothing.  So the softest synthetic fur came to be that is used today for all sorts of things including stuffed animals. We have even taken protecting animals even more by buying food and implementing grooming regimes to ensure they have a healthy coat of fur.  Which they then think as they pet their family friend, how soft their fur is.  

Well when I was a child I had this big white soft teddy bear, it was really big.  In fact, the half shirt I wore in Middle School and High School (man my teachers hated that shirt) fit very well on this white teddy bear and he is still wearing it to this day.  Though of course as a little girl I would hug, play and even lay my head on this teddy bear.  Now my family was also into Samoyed Dogs, if you haven’t seen one they are big white fluffy sled dogs, whose shedding could make several chihuahua sweaters. To continue with the putting things together in weird ways.  This one day I closed my eyes and could see a picture of me about to bury my head in a whole bunch of fur.  You would think nothing of it considering I had a whole bunch of white fluff in my life.  

Though here is where it takes the turn.  I almost screamed, well at least in my mind I did, I said what the heck, what am I doing? Ew! This is where social media can give subliminal messaging to. I started to think that fur is not good and you shouldn’t even hold a pet close to you your face or hug a pet because it is bad, sick and wrong.  That is why I became anxious I was like what is going on here? I freaked out a little to be honest.  Now it has gotten to the point where I get weirded out even thinking of petting an animal. How stupid is that, though that is the power of subliminal messaging and the horrible cycle I want to get out of before I question other perfectly normal things such as petting animals.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

My world is much different than it used to be.  I find myself at times feeling in between the old and new and no man’s land where nothing seems to move, all at the same time.  I am reminded of a scene in Castaway (if you haven’t seen the movie the next part spoils it, so stop reading see the movie and then read further).  It is when he is at an intersection and he has to decide which direction to go.  The open road stood before him but seemingly without direction or goal, for few who have achieved what he had are given a blank slate in which to rebuild their lives.  Did he forget where he grew up or came from “NO!” he will build on it and probably even explore new things. One never forgets their past, for it is always with them, but one never stops learning too.  When faced with an assumed wall or an open road choices have to be made, before they are made for you.
-Jennie Nawrocki 

Years have gone by when conversations had merit between the few people they involved. Topics ranged on moods, personalities and general comfort between the people talking.  However caution took hold and slowly less and less was mentioned.  I became lost in a world that seemed to connect to nothing.  When I actually talk with someone, my interest increases with unexplored topics, how they really feel and always a funny story.  There ain’t nothing like a few giggles and smiles to relieve the stress that may be occurring.  So my readers talk until your hearts content.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I may be not able to focus on one thought, but one thing I’m told, I know is love your mother, she gave you life.

Happy Mother’s Day!

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Most of us have heard of the book The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein, if you haven’t, read it.  I personally don’t own a copy, though my mother had one.  I have gripped onto this story in several ways.  I even translated into French for a high assignment.  It was I think the only time I didn’t cry or get teary eyed reciting the story to my class in another language.  Most of the time by the end of The Giving Tree tears are streaming down my face really to even sobbing uncontrollably for it is one of my most loved, frightening and saddest books ever.  I feel this way because it tells of a love that was never reciprocated.  No matter what the tree offered she was still sat upon, a stump so happy her friend was back. That love that has perplexed me, has now become my life.  Really I have so little to offer anyone anymore for most of it is gone, hardly even a memory, except love.  The tree gave and gave until she had nothing, thinking he would love her just the same, by helping him so much, that is support, that is love. 

This is where the debate takes place.  Would you give so much of yourself, knowing you couldn’t grow fruit, leaves, limbs, or even rings to show your age anymore. We hear of sacrifices by men and women in the armed forces, or as cops, or even fire fighters.  They  do it for the love of their country and all the people within it.  That is support, that is love.  I ask is it silly, stupid, or insane to love something so much you are willing to sacrifice everything for it?  You don’t tell them they don’t love themselves for putting their lives on the line, so why would you say the tree doesn’t love herself her sacrifices was for the love of another person in a different way.  

The trees simple demands of wanting to love and be loved in return only left her a stump. This tree gave her life, even if she wanted to she couldn’t protect herself as trees have no defense against humans.  I ask you who was at fault the guy taking everything away until there was only a stump left or the tree that loved so much until she was a stump? Either answer makes me cry.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Spring is here a new season to be enjoyed. I have seen the flowers growing and the trees budding.  In most states picnics and days in parks begin, even a trip or two to the beach when it gets real warm. The states where seasonal affective disorder can take a break. That sun comes out and warms everything. It is a season to behold with every gentle feeling for it is just a beginning.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

Been kinda on a garbage kick lately.  Don’t get me wrong, my ability to have a messy place is normal, but having tons of trash around is another. Now I grew up in a family where when we went camping everything that went in the fire that didn’t expell huge amounts of toxic gases or need molten lava in order to reach its burning point we burned.  We were also that family that had huge burn piles in the back yard for cleared foliage.  However if it could be used until it absolutely couldn’t it was.  So if it was still in decent shape we gave it to someone who needed it or the Goodwill.  It was great being a camping family because all old dishes always had a second chance as camping goods.  There was also the possibility that it would be needed for a future project too.  We tried to think of every way within reason something could be utilized.  I guess you could consider us minimalists because we didn’t have much money we couldn’t and didn’t want to save much stuff.  Now the extent of sorting it got more tricky between family members.  Once recycling became a big thing there was a wonder, is it actually worth it?  Well maybe in the beginning it was expensive if I remember correctly so was the first boom box.   Now it has gotten so popular and efficient that cities have mandatory composting receptacles in restaurants and at the curbside of your home.  That is right composting is a thing.  What is so useful is it allows cities with less need to dig and bring in outside resources and instead become self-sustaining.  Imagine all the scenery you enjoy on your afternoon walk even the soil feeding the field came from your dinner scraps, flowers a plenty provided by your breakfast extras.  Yes, people it is possible and has been done. So when I look at my room and wonder why I have separate bins for trash I remember Mother Earth.  Just as relationships can’t survive take alone or give alone, the environment has to be a reciprocal relationship.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I have talked about love before in several different ways, forms, and levels of strength.  However, I don’t think I have combined love to the act of faith or fate or is it hope, positive thinking, well whatever it may be these together have always seem to allude me. 

A person in a relationship could think everything was going well until they find out was hiding a bad habit.  It could be drugs, hidden bank accounts, secret lovers, or even problems with their health or job.  Any one of these things or a combination could hurt a marriage. The unknowing person within the relationship didn’t predict or want it to happen, in fact, they viewed everything as going well.  They always thought positive about this significant person in their life and their communication with each other. 

So when it comes to positive thinking in this scenario two things were hurt, trust in individuals close to you and faith in humanity in general.  Hence, a feeling of great sadness when something is found out.

The remaining question is how does one love that deeply again, if at all?  I guess factors like how many times it has happened and the support of people around you.  Speaking as one who has been hurt, it is a balance between allowing vulnerability to show one can trust again and general idealism that people want to keep relationships in a very positive way. I would assume it is also the people you are with creating the same disfunctional or increasely healthy interactions. So my question to you is who is in control of the weather in your relationship?

-Jennie Nawrocki 

I think I should have a section of these that tell a little bit about my life.  It is to not to say they didn’t before but really there is so much more that occurs than me sleeping well maybe not I do sleep a lot, today was no exception.  After I had my afternoon nap I decided to enjoy the outside world eat some dinner, do some holiday stuff and the like.  

I end up going to this place that served an loaded bagel sandwich and grits once so I had to go back and try something else on the menu.  I ended up getting the corned beef hash, with home fries steamed vegetables and apple juice.  I was right at the counter able to watch all what the cooks were doing.  The food was tasty just like home cooking.  

At one point I heard the cook say something about death and didn’t think much of it until a few minutes later all of a sudden I heard and saw people looking outside.  There started to be lots of people gathering.  Then the fire trucks and police cars and something about a pile of blood and a woman on the train.  I asked specifically but they wouldn’t tell me, kinda shrugged and tried to go about their business as I tried to stomach the last bites I had.  If I hadn’t been so hungry to begin with I probably would have pushed my plate but my body was fighting hunger and disgust all at same time. 

Soon I finished and needed out of there, I was headed to 5:30 mass anyways but now I really wanted to go.  Now I knew I wouldn’t get on the train there so I walked to the next train station on my way I looked at the scene there was a red blotch on the street and a blue and yellow striped tennis shoe.  As I walked further I over heard three teenage girls one saying something very close to, she was stuck on the train, what else could she do?  Again not resonating well with me.  So then I decided to take a cab because I knew the bus would be in traffic as a result. 

Once I got to yet another train station I saw two pigeons.  They were on the train tracks walking.  One on the rail and the other one jumping from wood board to wood board.  When the train making lots of noise came they didn’t move until the train was within a few feet did they finally flew freely away. 

Now I am not sure if the two are connected but whether it is interesting or horrid, it was not expected that is for definite.  The unusually unexplainable events have occurred more than I would like in my life and unfortunately don’t seem to be winding down. So my readers in the past I would put this into a poem but today I thought I would write it out maybe it will solve some puzzles out there or at least that I have, until then be well.

-Jennie Nawrocki 

There is something to be said for someone who perseveres through tragedy, either unsuccessfully or successfully.  It takes abilities one never thought they had.  While no one really close to me has passed away, I had tragedy in other ways.  Many of you know I make mistakes often.  Language wise you would not believe how many English teachers frowned at my works.  In 6th grade my teacher would say from across the room “Can you spell the word girl?” Embarrassing, quizzical, and it basically put me on the spot in front of the whole class, though for some reason I always answered it correctly.  However those pop quizzes never prepared me for the responses to my papers later on.  I remember crying in a cafe when speaking to the head of the Special Ed department (my masters program) about my masters thesis introduction on teaching students with disabilities.  I couldn’t tell you the amount of tears I cried over words on a page throughout my education. 

Well this goes with relationships too, I haven’t many friends or friends that lasted long.  It seems no matter what I do I am unable to maintain friendships.  Most of the time rather than discussing with me about it, they just disappeared or made excuses as to why they can’t see me.  Now I don’t equate these to other horrendous tragedies though they do humble a person completely. 

Though the friends I do have are ones I can confide in or trust unequivocally and have heard my thoughts on this often.  I am apt to think about it as the president goes to Cuba.  It takes another perspective and new approaches to work through differences.  One must remember mistakes so they don’t make them again, one must also remember how many versions of Windows and other items need updates to fix problems and accommodate increasing necessities.  We all continue to persevere through our challenges.

-Jennie Nawrocki