Hope you are doing well, I saw you on such and such the other day you looked good, it will be good to see you when I can afford tickets to your next concert or show. Man I have missed you.
I just bought tickets to visit my family in April. Kinda nervous haven’t been to Seattle in so long. Suzann DM’d me yesterday but of course she didn’t once talk about her life except to get me to sign up for some financial program. We all know how the last ones went like that, yeah I became in debt and lost a bank account and I still didn’t have a friend to talk to about anything. Once I changed the subject to other topics than money she stopped answering otherwise ghosted me. One sided conversations is all I get these days just like this email to myself, thinking my husband is reading this. You are aren’t that is why you wear the same clothes as me on tv? I swear you said you loved me once and thought I was beautiful but yet we never talk when we are in the same room either. I just seen you perform. Anyways I do hope we can be together soon it seems you really do love me.
I also wanted to say that I have been hearing a lot of you are not on my level, you’re not my co worker, you’re not my peer. What the hell? We worked in the same building, some of these people were my friends we hung out at night went to concerts and or dinner together what the hell? I am not the same level as you. You don’t deserve my respect I don’t care if you are King Charles, the President or a CEO you don’t treat others like that and you certainly don’t tell a follower or a fan who buys your concert tickets or merchandise that you’re are not a peer. Just because I work retail and can’t sing doesn’t make me less of a peer to you. Huh, wonder if these individuals understand the definition of jury by peers, last I knew doctors librarians and fast food workers are all considered peers of CEOs crimes in the court of law. It shouldn’t surprise me as I saw one of the most chosen ones said we are pricing the less desirable out. Maybe that is why house, concert, plane, car and food tickets are so high, we are not their peers. NO RESPECT FOR THIS LIVING ATTITUDE AT ALL.
Oh I also saw something about husbands and wives prison segment on SNL. I am sorry honey you feel I am cheating on you. Really I am not I keep telling these men that I only thinking of you when it most matters or is critical not sure the right wording but you know what I mean those electrical moments. But the whole house thing. Yeah I know people say I will never afford a house. Thing is that future had two sides to it one being my saved picture on my old laptop you know the one with the wraparound porch yellow house, yes yellow and if you don’t like yellow that’s a dealbreaker, I simply like yellow maybe because my child hood home was yellow. And even my old condo was yellow remember the bathroom oh and the ceiling and hallway turned yellow who knew Belgian waffle was supposed to be tan not yellow but I stayed with it because I liked yellow. Anyways back to the story about futures and houses. Well I saw me and my husband sitting on that porch looking out at the yard of our family all generations including grandchildren. But yet I also think I will buy my childhood home and renovate it make it two stories like my ma wanted. My mom and Theresa could live on one floor complete with their own kitchen, bathroom and laundry room at 3 bedrooms for family visits and such and I would have the same on the second floor (still debating top or bottom floor) it must have an accessible floor maybe even an elevator as for some reason it is the philosophy in my family that we will all end up unable to walk upstairs when old. Granted people in their nineties can run marathons but in my family an inch difference in floor level will be inaccessible once we are really old. I know it doesn’t make sense but yet I plan for it anyway the house must be accessible but shouldn’t by law they all should what if you do have a guest in a wheelchair where are they going to go to bathroom or sleep let alone be able to sit with you in the living room. Houses just aren’t accessible enough. Did I digress I did back to the future.
The thing is when I view that house with my family I always viewed it as a second home but still three bedroom for all my family and friends that come and visit but I don’t see a husband. We all know that family just visits when you are older never really living with you at least that seeing the children fly from the nest type of thought. so why is it I have two houses one for me and my husband and our family and one for my sister, mom and I. It doesn’t make sense it is like I am living two different lives, but now that I am writing this I guess I am my life where I believe I am told I am loved on national tv by my husband and my one where I will always take care of my sister Theresa and my mom or at least that is how I am thinking now who knows what tomorrow will bring. Some surprise of Jennie you can’t…..
So maybe that is why all this time people don’t think I have any goals in life truth is I really don’t know am I the porch woman or the accessible childhood home for my mama. So mixed up right now who knows what direction I am going so I just live in both worlds until I know what is real. I really am sorry if you don’t think I think of you I have but in what realms. Just once I could know what is real like when I when to UW and was going to camp. It was so simple and straightforward then but now I don’t even know if you really are my husband. That must feel bad but seriously we never see each other and never talk to each other so what am I to really think or believe.
I should get going I have dance class today it has been really exciting dancing again, I knew I missed it but never really knew that it was like my oxygen.
Take care and much love,
Yours always Jennie
What you just read was a sample so of the language is updated and some not but for the most part this is an example email I used to write to mutemath and send it but then I got got email saying your emails are too personal and nobody reads them anyway. So I would just send them to myself at one point several times a day. But you get the idea this is the confusing world of Jennie Nawrocki.